Rant Continued

Ok...So. Here we have our girl Sarah P in the middle of her own Trooper-gate...She is barely on the ticket and she already has like 3 scandals chasing her around...and PEOPLE THINK SHE IS GREAT. Come on...She is all 'I won't cooperate with this tainted investigation.' Blah, blah, blah. She is in every way the same as the Bush administration...which has an approval rating in the 30's. The lowest of any sitting president...Worse then Nixon. Why would people vote for this stupid tart.

It just makes me mad.

Liar!

OK. I am getting increasingly angry. This seems to happen every two years or so...and no, it is not the Olympics. They don't make me mad. It is the election cycles. Every year...I listen to the radio...Watch TV, read the news...and for only brief seconds to I ever think...Maybe this year...People will get it. The thing is...They won't.

I was in a class and there was some stupid Republican windbag in the front row talking all about how smart folks in the Grand Ole' Party are...and how maybe Democrats will get it someday...yada yada yada.

Wrong.

Republicans think the following: Being Elite is bad.

Here is the definition of Elite: the best of a class.

Why is that bad? Why would I not want to elect someone who is amongst the Elite? Why would you, for example, want to elect someone 'just like you?' If you were fit to be President of the United States why aren't you running? The short answer is you're not....The President of the United States should be smarter then you....MUCH SMARTER. John McCain was 498th in his class in college...a class of 499 people. He was only smarter then 1 person, in his whole class. That is NOT OK. He should have at least been top 10. I could live with that. Sarah Palin...She doesn't even know what the Bush Doctrine is...the centerpiece of the previous administration...It was named after him. AND THESE PEOPLE ARE ATTRACTING VOTES IN RECORD NUMBERS NOW?!?!?!?!?


Why are Americans so consistently proven to be stupid.

Person reading this...in the unlikely event I have a reader...are you stupid...Do you look in the mirror and say...Man. I am dumb.

Do you make more then 200k a year? Do you and your spouse more then 250k combined? Then you are not rich. You would not really benefit from much of anything the republicans are selling and in the last 8 years you probably suffered from what they have done.


Wake up people.

Wake up.

Sarah P

So...What is the deal with Sarah Palin.

Is she a pitbull or is she a scared little girl.

You can't come out and say 'You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? Lipstick' and then be all 'Daddy McCain they called me a pig'

First of all, you are pig. You come out all 'I'm from a small town with my small town values' What does that mean? You don't have to lock the door to your house? I bet you do. You don't have to force your daughter to get an abortion? Well you do have to force her to get a shotgun wedding...but that prolly isn't too foreign to you...So maybe that is it...You all have sex out of wedlock with your neighbors in your unlocked houses...which you can just wander into...since there are no locks on the door.

Whatever.

Second of all, if you are going to complain about the media getting their facts wrong get yours right. Did you put your stupid plane on Ebay...yes...did you sell it? no. So...were you inaccurate...I suppose not...but you are splitting hairs...that is like me saying I put a 30 carat diamond on Ebay...no one bought it...so I am still in the same position of having a giant paper weight. Never authored a law? um...he did. Vetoed the bridge to no where? Only after it was dead. So it doesn't matter.

Here is the thing...I can go on and on...but when you get down to it you are just a stupid nasty tart, brought in to satisfy all the God Loving crazies that McCain doesn't. Which you did...but that doesn't qualify you for the job...a few weeks ago you didn't even know what the job was...and now you are qualified to become president if McCain dies...which he probably will...at any minute...but probably not in the next 60 days. Which is all that counts...

I hate republicans...they are nasty...superior, and stupid...

god I am freakin bored

I get a lot of calls from recruiters these days...Some are trying to get me to hire people, some are trying to hire me. Neither tends to get very far, but occasionally you get a really good one...

Here is a run down of a conversation I just had:

Guy: Hey, Shifty this is Poor Slob from Company that doesn't train recruiters. I'm not sure if I have the right number here. Somebody just transferred me in.
Shifty: You're not starting off very well here.
Guy: No, I guess I'm not. I am just trying to find out if you guys are in charge of hiring people who build dog and cat growing machines.
Shifty: No, we just trim already grown dogs and cats. My team is simply in charge of ensuring pets have as little hair as possible.
Guy: Oh, so, is there like anyone there who might have a need for such a thing.
Shifty: Dunno, don't care.
Guy: Oh, so, um. Thanks. You've been very helpful.


my bad for answering a number tagged private.

Why don't you love me?

I realized something this morning while I was brushing my teeth. I need to create a bloggy following. The simple fact of the matter is my ego needs some stroking and huge numbers of people reading my blog could provide that stroking. I can not promise to write anything people consider interesting, or relevant, but from what I have observed in the blogosphere that is hardly relevant. So I will start with this.

I got a new bed yesterday. It is what of those tempur-pedic deals and I took my old bed and put it in the guest room, since the blow-up bed was sort of a mean thing to make guests sleep on.

I am still short about 400 hours sleep and I believe that catchup will occur somewhere around 2050. When I am dead.

Tech support rage

Have you ever called tech support knowing full well what the answer to the question you are about to ask, but being powerless to get the person on the other end of the line to just fucking fix your problem? huh? It's not that hard...just...you know...do it...I have a cable modem...sometimes...it breaks...So I call tech support, and I get Lauryn...not necessarily her real name...but the name she gave me...the name she has given me the last few times I have called and gotten her...when she didn't help me, when she jerked me around for an hour...and wasted my damn time...So. Fine. I give her my name. I do what she tells me. She fails to listen to me. FOR AN HOUR. WHY CAN'T SHE JUST FUCKING LISTEN. Come on. I don't want to disconnect my router. I don't want to reboot my computer. I don't need to when the stupid speed test gets to 2% then stops. No my problem is not fixed because the download is fast. BECAUSE THE UPLOAD IS STILL NOT WORKING. NO I DON'T WANT TO JUST FUCKING WAIT AN HOUR, I WANT YOU TO FIX IT NOW.

DIE.

Sleep Deprivation

I post today not because of the merits of anythingI have to say...I have never had anything of merit to say. But because someone else said something I feel compelled to say something. I have not yet figured out exactly what that is though.

No matter.

For now I am going to talk about Mary Elizabeth Winstead. I was a pretty huge fan of Sky High. I mean who the heck wasn't? Then she was in Deathproof and that movie was also excellent...not that she really mattered...but if you read hard into the subtext you imagine she was violated terribly and that is just plain wrong...(you need to have seen Kill Bill to know exactly who Jasper is and his exact predilictions...but it's there...)

But the point here is that I have not been ignoring you my non-existant readers...oh no. I have been happily not sleeping in my dank basement while I wait patiently for the flood. That's right. I decided that I believe in global warming and as a resident of the Dakota's I know that the flood waters will soon be arriving as New York, and Washington DC are all consumed by the oceans depths...So in the meantime I am rubberizing my basement so when the floods come the waters will push my air and watertight basement skyward and in a matter of hours I will be living on the top floor of beach front property.

or

something like that.

10 things I hate about you

Ok I know that if you are celebrity you have to really like it when people look at you. I do not believe that you do it because you love the craft, or something inside of you compelled you to perform...You do it because something special happens in your pants when you walk down the street and people go all gah gah because they saw you walking in the opposite direction. That being said...no matter how much you love people looking at you I think there are 10 things as a celebrity you should never do:

10. Don't use the paparazzi as a promotional tool. If perez hilton is your best way of getting your name out there...get a new job.
9. Don't mix medias. If you think you will be successful as a movie actor...be a fucking movie actor, if you think singing is the way to go...go record an album, power to ya, but don't think, you can be a dancer, a singer, a movie star, and a tv star and still get home and make your husband a milk shake. All those things except making milk shakes are mutually exclusive.
8. You don't need a sidekick. That little phone with all that stuff on it...that can get hacked...don't get it..your friends will be pissed when someone hacks your phone and starts broadcasting their personal info to everyone. They will have to get new phones...new friends, the works.
7. Don't feel obligated to spend all your money at once. You may be getting a lot of work right now...but since you feel compelled to wake up in a toilet every night and show up late for work every day you may not be getting a lot of work tomorrow. Put a little bit of money from every movie in some sort of tax shelter and make sure your agent, your mom and dad, your sleazy uncle Kenny, and your stupid ass can't touch it.
6. Don't tell everyone how smart you think your are. I don't doubt that if your name is Jessica you are pretty damn hot, unfortunately that doesn't make you smart. You make be getting straight a's from your private tutor, but if you are blowing him at the end of every lesson maybe he is a little predisposed to give you a better grade. Jessica Alba, don't tell anyone you are smart ever again. You are stupid. I will come out to LA and go head to head with you if you think otherwise.
5. Rehab is for quitters. If you go to rehab. do it once. If you have to do it twice...make sure a few years go by...Robin Williams went back to rehab...but years after his first stint...Lindsay, Bitney...they both have wings reserved for their skanky asses year round.
4. Keep your crotch in your pants. While we are on the subject, if you are a celebrity, wear underwear, or wear a long dress...or wear pants...do not, skip underwear, wear a micro skirt, or exit a limo like you are trying out for catcher. There is plenty of porn out there with plenty of crotches properly posed and what not...and if that is something you want to do you can...there is no reason to give everyone a preview everytime you go clubbing. Xtina can get out a limo and not flash every pap in LA and I was convinced she was a giant whore. Who knew.
3. Hire a limo driver. accepting that you have followed step 7 you probably still have a lot of money. If you are going out to a club hire a driver for the fucking night...don't have the money for that..get a cab...don't go crashing your stupid bmw into every pap that crosses your path and making up stories about it after the fact.
2. Don't use a computer. Someone will hack that computer and post every picture you took of yourself on the internet. We all know you like looking at yourself and we know there is no pleasure greater than looking at your form unadulterated by clothes...and if you put that on your computer...the whole world gets to look at you naked.
1. Don't make home movies. You would think this would be obvious. It is never going to look good when people get their hands on you spread eagle while your hugely endowed boyfriend goes to town. It doesn't make you look more attractive. No one looks good when they are having sex...maybe in the movies they might...because they aren't really having sex...if you made a home movie you didn't have a director, or a crew with makeup or whatever...all you had was to quote Liz Phair '(his) fresh young jimmy, ramming, slamming,jamming in (you)' and that does not look good on tape.

That being said I do not think I can slow the meteoric descent of Lindsay Lohan or Bitney Spears. I am just hoping when they hit bottom I will be there, to be in their next home movie...because I am not a proud man...and I would still hit that...even when it looks like Dana Plato.

my love affair continues

I continue to envy other blogs cleverness...I find this exceptionally ironic as my previous goal in life was to mock other blogs...but now, I find myself...hoping certain bloggers write an entry in so I can read it and dream of being clever. perhaps I will find myself a nice lady and have a child and then I can burden the child with my shortcomings...oh that would be a dream...'little shifty, you need to grow up smarter and more handsome then your old man...look at that shirt, tuck that in...lose 40 pounds...learn to add.'

fatherhood sounds great.

shifty.

Traveling with my dad

OK let's get this out of the way. I like my dad. He is a good fellow. He was 50% responsible for my existence and my genetic code and all that. He can be very generous and he raised me with a good work ethic, or something like that... but damn, the man complains non-stop... and he acts like our hometown is the center of the universe. You say, 'Man they got a damn good cheese steak in Philly.' and he will tell you that the Dakota's are responsible for all the famously good cheese steaks in the world. You go see an Opera and he will tell you it would have been better had we seen it in the North Dakota State Theater. Now this is just unrealistic. Cheese Steaks are better in Philly and Opera is just damn boring. Give me a few minutes of Carmina Burana or was that In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. Whatever the case. I will look and see if I can put up a vacay foto for all of you who clamor for the real thing.

People who are more clever then me

Needless to say I am pretty fond of myself. When I look at myself in the mirror I am most likely to ask who the man is...and the expectation is that my reflection would reply 'you da man.' So I can get a little frustrated when I stumble on someone obviously more clever then me. I am not talking about able to go toe to toe with my in a cleverness face off, I am talking about me drunkenly stumbling by seeing the captain cleverness with her cleverness skills on display and then throwing up on her shows...That is how I have been feeling lately.

A little back story if any is really necessary since I am the only one that reads this crap and really I am just talking to myself...what ever. Back to the back story. I am prone to lie...here is some truth. I know this guy...he has a blog...he updates his blog infrequently. Even less frequently then me I would say. He updated his blog recently. Put a picture of himself in a place I would not like to be (shifty don't like heights, not sure why, they used to be no problem, but lately, they are) so ok...in addition to the picture, he updated his buddy links...I was not added. Shifty is no ones buddy, hated by all. Amongst his new buddy list was...the reason for my existance...the source of all my ire's new blog, it pretty much sucks...and is not at all clever. Shifty's ole' roomy's live journal...She is pretty damn clever, but I don't think that is the focus of the journal, and my new source of envy... Fluffy. I don't know Fluffy, I have gathered this...she is married...has a dad, lives in city B...and she is more clever then me. Her blog just makes me look bad. There are no urban dictionary cop out links....there is no fabulous brick pics...just sheer unadulterated clever. So much more clever then me. I mourn the loss of my naivete in thinking I was ever clever.

It just makes me mad. I guess I will prolly have to go down and find city b, get drunk and find fluffy so I can puke on her shoes.

Back from the dead.

one of my old coworkers is not so happy. The people brought in to take over the grooming are not very good at their jobs. I guess sometimes when you ask them for a trim you might get more then you expected and he feels like he spends his whole day just fixing all the trims and trying to make the clients a little more willing to take their pet and go home.

he is an angry man.

I guess the best part of my week though, was when the new guys messed up something so bad my old boss decided it must be the fault of me and my coworkers who intimidated the new guys...and so they are all banned from talking to us now. That is awesome.

Panic! at the interstate

Everyone is talking about it these days, so why the hell shouldn't I? I made a reference to aqua teen two whole posts ago, so clearly I have ATHF cred.

Here is my attitude on the security issues in Boston.

Give me a fucking break. Come on, give me a break, seriously, Err going to blow up your shit? Have you seen how slow a bullet from the quad laser goes? You just need to move out of the way.

Did you see how hard ignignac was flipping you off in all the picts? Has hard as he could man. As hard as he could.

All new stalker mojo

ok, I was bored at work and I decided to look up an old high school friend. I thought she lived in Canada but it seems she just moved back to my home town, or somewhere there about. What I was really most jazzed about though is that I can just use zabasearch to stalk whoever the hell and I want and even if I never turn around and actually act on my natural stalker tendency I can get the satisfaction of knowing where my stalkee lives, and really that is probably good enough.

Resolve

too lazy for a link today.


I resolve the following:

• step up level of pruning
• destroy people dedicated to old school
• become anorexic
• south bronx paradise
  

tubby bitches

yeah that is me these days. but I have a plan. I started going to the gym and I have decided to experiment with anorexia until I reach my goal weight of 109pds. I am about 6'1" and male so I figure 109 is about right.

let's get started.

South Bronx Paradise baby!

feh

people ask for stuff...you think you do what they want...it is actually something else...and then headaches.

I not have a headache.

I couldn't be happier for them

oh kid rock and pammy.

I love you guys.

congrats to both of you for lasting just over a month per wedding


go you

SD rules

Oh yeah, South Dakota style kickin.

Not only do the glorious people of South Dakota want to change things. The glorious people of South Dakota want to change things so bad they elect dead people.

DEAD PEOPLE.

Take that Cheney.

delusion

So I gots my fly new job all set up. I will be pruning the back sides of pampered cats from now on...but my old boss...who was the manager of doggy backside pruning seems to keep wanting me to take care of the dogs...I have seen enough doggy back sides at this point and want to start concentrating on cats.

I sort of don't get why I the ole' and busted boss still thinks I am going to take care of the dogs.