10 things I hate about you

Ok I know that if you are celebrity you have to really like it when people look at you. I do not believe that you do it because you love the craft, or something inside of you compelled you to perform...You do it because something special happens in your pants when you walk down the street and people go all gah gah because they saw you walking in the opposite direction. That being said...no matter how much you love people looking at you I think there are 10 things as a celebrity you should never do:

10. Don't use the paparazzi as a promotional tool. If perez hilton is your best way of getting your name out there...get a new job.
9. Don't mix medias. If you think you will be successful as a movie actor...be a fucking movie actor, if you think singing is the way to go...go record an album, power to ya, but don't think, you can be a dancer, a singer, a movie star, and a tv star and still get home and make your husband a milk shake. All those things except making milk shakes are mutually exclusive.
8. You don't need a sidekick. That little phone with all that stuff on it...that can get hacked...don't get it..your friends will be pissed when someone hacks your phone and starts broadcasting their personal info to everyone. They will have to get new phones...new friends, the works.
7. Don't feel obligated to spend all your money at once. You may be getting a lot of work right now...but since you feel compelled to wake up in a toilet every night and show up late for work every day you may not be getting a lot of work tomorrow. Put a little bit of money from every movie in some sort of tax shelter and make sure your agent, your mom and dad, your sleazy uncle Kenny, and your stupid ass can't touch it.
6. Don't tell everyone how smart you think your are. I don't doubt that if your name is Jessica you are pretty damn hot, unfortunately that doesn't make you smart. You make be getting straight a's from your private tutor, but if you are blowing him at the end of every lesson maybe he is a little predisposed to give you a better grade. Jessica Alba, don't tell anyone you are smart ever again. You are stupid. I will come out to LA and go head to head with you if you think otherwise.
5. Rehab is for quitters. If you go to rehab. do it once. If you have to do it twice...make sure a few years go by...Robin Williams went back to rehab...but years after his first stint...Lindsay, Bitney...they both have wings reserved for their skanky asses year round.
4. Keep your crotch in your pants. While we are on the subject, if you are a celebrity, wear underwear, or wear a long dress...or wear pants...do not, skip underwear, wear a micro skirt, or exit a limo like you are trying out for catcher. There is plenty of porn out there with plenty of crotches properly posed and what not...and if that is something you want to do you can...there is no reason to give everyone a preview everytime you go clubbing. Xtina can get out a limo and not flash every pap in LA and I was convinced she was a giant whore. Who knew.
3. Hire a limo driver. accepting that you have followed step 7 you probably still have a lot of money. If you are going out to a club hire a driver for the fucking night...don't have the money for that..get a cab...don't go crashing your stupid bmw into every pap that crosses your path and making up stories about it after the fact.
2. Don't use a computer. Someone will hack that computer and post every picture you took of yourself on the internet. We all know you like looking at yourself and we know there is no pleasure greater than looking at your form unadulterated by clothes...and if you put that on your computer...the whole world gets to look at you naked.
1. Don't make home movies. You would think this would be obvious. It is never going to look good when people get their hands on you spread eagle while your hugely endowed boyfriend goes to town. It doesn't make you look more attractive. No one looks good when they are having sex...maybe in the movies they might...because they aren't really having sex...if you made a home movie you didn't have a director, or a crew with makeup or whatever...all you had was to quote Liz Phair '(his) fresh young jimmy, ramming, slamming,jamming in (you)' and that does not look good on tape.

That being said I do not think I can slow the meteoric descent of Lindsay Lohan or Bitney Spears. I am just hoping when they hit bottom I will be there, to be in their next home movie...because I am not a proud man...and I would still hit that...even when it looks like Dana Plato.