Sleep Deprivation

I post today not because of the merits of anythingI have to say...I have never had anything of merit to say. But because someone else said something I feel compelled to say something. I have not yet figured out exactly what that is though.

No matter.

For now I am going to talk about Mary Elizabeth Winstead. I was a pretty huge fan of Sky High. I mean who the heck wasn't? Then she was in Deathproof and that movie was also excellent...not that she really mattered...but if you read hard into the subtext you imagine she was violated terribly and that is just plain wrong...(you need to have seen Kill Bill to know exactly who Jasper is and his exact predilictions...but it's there...)

But the point here is that I have not been ignoring you my non-existant readers...oh no. I have been happily not sleeping in my dank basement while I wait patiently for the flood. That's right. I decided that I believe in global warming and as a resident of the Dakota's I know that the flood waters will soon be arriving as New York, and Washington DC are all consumed by the oceans depths...So in the meantime I am rubberizing my basement so when the floods come the waters will push my air and watertight basement skyward and in a matter of hours I will be living on the top floor of beach front property.

or

something like that.

10 things I hate about you

Ok I know that if you are celebrity you have to really like it when people look at you. I do not believe that you do it because you love the craft, or something inside of you compelled you to perform...You do it because something special happens in your pants when you walk down the street and people go all gah gah because they saw you walking in the opposite direction. That being said...no matter how much you love people looking at you I think there are 10 things as a celebrity you should never do:

10. Don't use the paparazzi as a promotional tool. If perez hilton is your best way of getting your name out there...get a new job.
9. Don't mix medias. If you think you will be successful as a movie actor...be a fucking movie actor, if you think singing is the way to go...go record an album, power to ya, but don't think, you can be a dancer, a singer, a movie star, and a tv star and still get home and make your husband a milk shake. All those things except making milk shakes are mutually exclusive.
8. You don't need a sidekick. That little phone with all that stuff on it...that can get hacked...don't get it..your friends will be pissed when someone hacks your phone and starts broadcasting their personal info to everyone. They will have to get new phones...new friends, the works.
7. Don't feel obligated to spend all your money at once. You may be getting a lot of work right now...but since you feel compelled to wake up in a toilet every night and show up late for work every day you may not be getting a lot of work tomorrow. Put a little bit of money from every movie in some sort of tax shelter and make sure your agent, your mom and dad, your sleazy uncle Kenny, and your stupid ass can't touch it.
6. Don't tell everyone how smart you think your are. I don't doubt that if your name is Jessica you are pretty damn hot, unfortunately that doesn't make you smart. You make be getting straight a's from your private tutor, but if you are blowing him at the end of every lesson maybe he is a little predisposed to give you a better grade. Jessica Alba, don't tell anyone you are smart ever again. You are stupid. I will come out to LA and go head to head with you if you think otherwise.
5. Rehab is for quitters. If you go to rehab. do it once. If you have to do it twice...make sure a few years go by...Robin Williams went back to rehab...but years after his first stint...Lindsay, Bitney...they both have wings reserved for their skanky asses year round.
4. Keep your crotch in your pants. While we are on the subject, if you are a celebrity, wear underwear, or wear a long dress...or wear pants...do not, skip underwear, wear a micro skirt, or exit a limo like you are trying out for catcher. There is plenty of porn out there with plenty of crotches properly posed and what not...and if that is something you want to do you can...there is no reason to give everyone a preview everytime you go clubbing. Xtina can get out a limo and not flash every pap in LA and I was convinced she was a giant whore. Who knew.
3. Hire a limo driver. accepting that you have followed step 7 you probably still have a lot of money. If you are going out to a club hire a driver for the fucking night...don't have the money for that..get a cab...don't go crashing your stupid bmw into every pap that crosses your path and making up stories about it after the fact.
2. Don't use a computer. Someone will hack that computer and post every picture you took of yourself on the internet. We all know you like looking at yourself and we know there is no pleasure greater than looking at your form unadulterated by clothes...and if you put that on your computer...the whole world gets to look at you naked.
1. Don't make home movies. You would think this would be obvious. It is never going to look good when people get their hands on you spread eagle while your hugely endowed boyfriend goes to town. It doesn't make you look more attractive. No one looks good when they are having sex...maybe in the movies they might...because they aren't really having sex...if you made a home movie you didn't have a director, or a crew with makeup or whatever...all you had was to quote Liz Phair '(his) fresh young jimmy, ramming, slamming,jamming in (you)' and that does not look good on tape.

That being said I do not think I can slow the meteoric descent of Lindsay Lohan or Bitney Spears. I am just hoping when they hit bottom I will be there, to be in their next home movie...because I am not a proud man...and I would still hit that...even when it looks like Dana Plato.

my love affair continues

I continue to envy other blogs cleverness...I find this exceptionally ironic as my previous goal in life was to mock other blogs...but now, I find myself...hoping certain bloggers write an entry in so I can read it and dream of being clever. perhaps I will find myself a nice lady and have a child and then I can burden the child with my shortcomings...oh that would be a dream...'little shifty, you need to grow up smarter and more handsome then your old man...look at that shirt, tuck that in...lose 40 pounds...learn to add.'

fatherhood sounds great.

shifty.

Traveling with my dad

OK let's get this out of the way. I like my dad. He is a good fellow. He was 50% responsible for my existence and my genetic code and all that. He can be very generous and he raised me with a good work ethic, or something like that... but damn, the man complains non-stop... and he acts like our hometown is the center of the universe. You say, 'Man they got a damn good cheese steak in Philly.' and he will tell you that the Dakota's are responsible for all the famously good cheese steaks in the world. You go see an Opera and he will tell you it would have been better had we seen it in the North Dakota State Theater. Now this is just unrealistic. Cheese Steaks are better in Philly and Opera is just damn boring. Give me a few minutes of Carmina Burana or was that In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. Whatever the case. I will look and see if I can put up a vacay foto for all of you who clamor for the real thing.

People who are more clever then me

Needless to say I am pretty fond of myself. When I look at myself in the mirror I am most likely to ask who the man is...and the expectation is that my reflection would reply 'you da man.' So I can get a little frustrated when I stumble on someone obviously more clever then me. I am not talking about able to go toe to toe with my in a cleverness face off, I am talking about me drunkenly stumbling by seeing the captain cleverness with her cleverness skills on display and then throwing up on her shows...That is how I have been feeling lately.

A little back story if any is really necessary since I am the only one that reads this crap and really I am just talking to myself...what ever. Back to the back story. I am prone to lie...here is some truth. I know this guy...he has a blog...he updates his blog infrequently. Even less frequently then me I would say. He updated his blog recently. Put a picture of himself in a place I would not like to be (shifty don't like heights, not sure why, they used to be no problem, but lately, they are) so ok...in addition to the picture, he updated his buddy links...I was not added. Shifty is no ones buddy, hated by all. Amongst his new buddy list was...the reason for my existance...the source of all my ire's new blog, it pretty much sucks...and is not at all clever. Shifty's ole' roomy's live journal...She is pretty damn clever, but I don't think that is the focus of the journal, and my new source of envy... Fluffy. I don't know Fluffy, I have gathered this...she is married...has a dad, lives in city B...and she is more clever then me. Her blog just makes me look bad. There are no urban dictionary cop out links....there is no fabulous brick pics...just sheer unadulterated clever. So much more clever then me. I mourn the loss of my naivete in thinking I was ever clever.

It just makes me mad. I guess I will prolly have to go down and find city b, get drunk and find fluffy so I can puke on her shoes.

Back from the dead.

one of my old coworkers is not so happy. The people brought in to take over the grooming are not very good at their jobs. I guess sometimes when you ask them for a trim you might get more then you expected and he feels like he spends his whole day just fixing all the trims and trying to make the clients a little more willing to take their pet and go home.

he is an angry man.

I guess the best part of my week though, was when the new guys messed up something so bad my old boss decided it must be the fault of me and my coworkers who intimidated the new guys...and so they are all banned from talking to us now. That is awesome.

Panic! at the interstate

Everyone is talking about it these days, so why the hell shouldn't I? I made a reference to aqua teen two whole posts ago, so clearly I have ATHF cred.

Here is my attitude on the security issues in Boston.

Give me a fucking break. Come on, give me a break, seriously, Err going to blow up your shit? Have you seen how slow a bullet from the quad laser goes? You just need to move out of the way.

Did you see how hard ignignac was flipping you off in all the picts? Has hard as he could man. As hard as he could.

All new stalker mojo

ok, I was bored at work and I decided to look up an old high school friend. I thought she lived in Canada but it seems she just moved back to my home town, or somewhere there about. What I was really most jazzed about though is that I can just use zabasearch to stalk whoever the hell and I want and even if I never turn around and actually act on my natural stalker tendency I can get the satisfaction of knowing where my stalkee lives, and really that is probably good enough.

Resolve

too lazy for a link today.


I resolve the following:

• step up level of pruning
• destroy people dedicated to old school
• become anorexic
• south bronx paradise
  

tubby bitches

yeah that is me these days. but I have a plan. I started going to the gym and I have decided to experiment with anorexia until I reach my goal weight of 109pds. I am about 6'1" and male so I figure 109 is about right.

let's get started.

South Bronx Paradise baby!

feh

people ask for stuff...you think you do what they want...it is actually something else...and then headaches.

I not have a headache.

I couldn't be happier for them

oh kid rock and pammy.

I love you guys.

congrats to both of you for lasting just over a month per wedding


go you

SD rules

Oh yeah, South Dakota style kickin.

Not only do the glorious people of South Dakota want to change things. The glorious people of South Dakota want to change things so bad they elect dead people.

DEAD PEOPLE.

Take that Cheney.

delusion

So I gots my fly new job all set up. I will be pruning the back sides of pampered cats from now on...but my old boss...who was the manager of doggy backside pruning seems to keep wanting me to take care of the dogs...I have seen enough doggy back sides at this point and want to start concentrating on cats.

I sort of don't get why I the ole' and busted boss still thinks I am going to take care of the dogs.

take that bitches

I heard a rumor that the guy I was bidding for that job against was telling people that of the three people being considered I was last...

Turns out he got the order right, him, other guy, me...if the order is from least desirable to most...

I got the job motherfucker.


go f yourself you back stabbing son of a bitch.

mother fucker

ok...

Let no one say that Shifty is not benevolent to those around him, but once you cross the line, you are dead to shifty.

So ok here is the deal...Shifty is thinking he might get a new job, a job in which he will be required to refer to himself only in the third person. Shifty is practicing right now. Ok practice is over. Anyway, So I am looking for a new job, and I tell this guy I know...and he is all 'That's great, I am so happy for you buddy' and then he applies for the job behind my back...motherfucker.

I was up front, I told the guy what I was up to...he could have done the same, but no. He lies.

So now he is dead to me.

dead.

3 is a magic number

I got three hits yesterday. That is like 3 more then I got last month. Holy Cripity crap.

Ok I am in all earnest posting because I heard that death cab for cutie song on the radio today...And I know I am all about the old news and what not, but I like it...I even bought the whole damn album just on the merit of the one song...and it is good...there is also a song I really liked by the killers that they tacked on the end of the Matador...This is kind of hard for me, seeing as how I am generally of the opinion that music in this day and age is the ass...which puts me in a tough spot...I guess what I would like to see is that there is an actual shift in the music industry and after years and years of drek there is a chance that good music might come back...I thought Franz Ferdinand was pretty good, but then, drek and drek and drek...So maybe this is just a one off too...I know DCfC has like a billion albums and I should have heard of them when they actually lived in Seattle, but, come on, I live in a basement...don't go out much...give a fella break here.

I just thought the whole anti-religion, anti-anti-love song nature of 'I will follow you' was pretty neat.

Someone actually yelled at me for being an optimist the other day 'the fuck?'

little deaths

I think I am going to quit my job. Why not right? I guess I like the benefits (there are hotels on either side of the building I work on and many employees have reported more exhibitionist patrons hanging their naughty bits out the windows...one co-worker even reported a duo playing the back door bingo in full view of the world, but I digress)

The point is I kind of hate my boss...I thought I didn't, but I really do. And really fuck her and her fucking fuck.

And so I say, see how you like it when I am gone.

little deaths

I think I am going to quit my job. Why not right? I guess I like the benefits (there are hotels on either side of the building I work on and many employees have reported more exhibitionist patrons hanging their naughty bits out the windows...one co-worker even reported a duo playing the back door bingo in full view of the world, but I digress)

The point is I kind of hate my boss...I thought I didn't, but I really do. And really fuck her and her fucking fuck.

And so I say, see how you like it when I am gone.

stupid stuborn motherfucker

ok, I have in the past referred to my lack of patience for the stupid, but what I really fucking hate is stupid motherfuckers that argue with me about dumb ass shit.

Shifty: Hey dumbfuck, what is up with that thing I asked you to fix
Dumbfuck:I fixed it.
Shifty: It is still broken.
Dumbfuck: I fixed it...I went to the thing, did this thing, and I am sure it is all set.
Shifty: When I noticed it was still broken I went and checked...it is totally obvious nothing has been done.
Dumbfuck: it is fixed.


and this is why I am filled with hate for dumbfuck.

you can put an orange in front of him and he will still call it a fucking apple.